Beautiful Monday

Yesterday was Mothers Day, a beautiful warm day with my sister, nephew, and friends. A wonderful lunch and talk of our Mothers. I hope everyone who is lucky enough to have their mom, told them how much love you had for them. I for one miss my Mom more as the years roll away, and my Grandmother was a "Southern Bell" who is missed just as much.
We left Pinehurst after church and lunch and drove to Lumberton to place flowers on Billy's family plot. The only one missing there is me.
Still smoking, but quitting is in the future again.

Depression

I have had trouble all day with depression creeping in to spoil my joy, and it almost succeeded. But a good friend sent me an email, that just made me realize God brought me to this situation, and he will take me through. I think sometimes, my depression happens because I have always been spoiled. I know if only Billy was here my life would be so different, but I know this is not possible. I am still grieving, will it ever really get better?
Could it be I am expecting God to fall for my "pouting" because I am having a rough time. Please give me a break! It is past time for me to grow up and just Trust the Lord, like I profess that I do.
Why is it, we all can talk, but when our walk has to match, I (speaking for myself) fail. I pray several times a day, do my Bible Study, and profess to God I Trust and Love Him, but then I whine and get depressed. Wheres the trust I say I have?
I am deeply ashamed of myself for today. God gave me a beautiful day and I wasted it with feeling sorry for myself.
God if tomorrow is mine I will take the day and Praise you for the Blessing.

I did not forget

Sorry, but my schedule has been busy. No, I have not found a job, but I had to take my sister back to her oncologist for a check up, and great news she does not fo back for 1 year. Nellis, suffered from bi-lateral breast cancer. That was her second bout with cancer, but Thank God, he is not through with her.
I think I had a kidney stone, so I spend one day in bed. I think it too has passed.
I am still smoking, but I think it is time to try again, I will let you know.

Better

Friday 04/24/2009 a better day for all. Scott and I are at least talking in civil terms, and I only smoked 4 cigarettes. Oh how I wish I had not started back, how weak we are.
I am working on completing disablity forms, but it is hard with this Cubital Tunnel. But when I look around I see people in lot worst shape that me. God had Blessed me so much more than I ever deserve to be blessed.
I did walk and it was so hot 90 degrees, so I think I am going to walk later in the evening. I am so sore from falling yesterday. I was cleaning flower beds and kept seeing all the worms, oops wrong SNAKES, small but still snakes. Hips are black and blue but Thank you God not broken.
I have looked every where for someone to cut grass. I have got find someone I can afford.

A Horrible Day

Well things came to a head today at home-When Scott moved in with me I was sick and He was having it rough.
Today, I have made the decision he has got to find another place to live. He is mad and thinks I am being a witch. His OCD has driven me over the edge, because I am not helpless-I need to have self worth if even I am disabled.
I have smoked 5 today more than any other day, and this disgust me.

At Least

Well, yes I bought the smokes, but I have only smoked 3 in 2 days. I have left them in the car and I physically have to walk to the car to retrieve 1 only. This is not good but better than the 2-2 1/2 packs a day I was smoking.
I do know now I can quit, which is different from before. According to all I have read it sometimes takes several times to quit. I did quit mostly for financial reasons now that I think about my reasoning.
I have lost and given up so much that I really enjoyed in my life. I know smoking is bad for you, plus it stinks ( I now know how bad). I hate that I disappointed some people that love me, but I did not quit for them, and now its is life when they make crude remarks, about my lighting up again, it makes me more determined to do what I want to do.
I have to much time on my hands. My nephew does all the cooking and cleaning, in fact I am not allowed to do either ( his is so good to me but his OCD is a problem) My doctor says I really am not able to work, I have done volunteer work but my limitations has caused some problems.
I could go back to visit some of the elderly friends in the skilled nursing home where I used to work, but it is very awkward.
I do not know, I read a lot , my Bible, fiction, non fiction and the news on every search engine I know. I am really getting more into walking. I am just confused about what I want and where I am headed.
I did go purchase flowers for my Billy's grave, so next week I will drive to Lumberton and place them on his grave. Maybe after I talk with him ( yes I still talk to him and God, because I believe they are both listening), I will have a better direction,

Not Strong

Well, I bought a pack of smokes last night-no excuse-30 days into it and I messed up. What made my stress level so high that I thought this was the only way out or is it the fact the habit just raised its ugly head to show it still had a hold on me.
I do not know I am ashamed of myself, I made it 30 days, and failed. I bought 1 pack, and I am leaving in the car trying to limit my self to 4 a day.
I went walking yesterday with a friend, did not even think about smoking, was sitting here watching tv reading the news on the computer and it hit me. I got up went to the store to purchase the cigarettes.
I wish a former smoker would advise me of what I can do!