I did not forget

Sorry, but my schedule has been busy. No, I have not found a job, but I had to take my sister back to her oncologist for a check up, and great news she does not fo back for 1 year. Nellis, suffered from bi-lateral breast cancer. That was her second bout with cancer, but Thank God, he is not through with her.
I think I had a kidney stone, so I spend one day in bed. I think it too has passed.
I am still smoking, but I think it is time to try again, I will let you know.

Better

Friday 04/24/2009 a better day for all. Scott and I are at least talking in civil terms, and I only smoked 4 cigarettes. Oh how I wish I had not started back, how weak we are.
I am working on completing disablity forms, but it is hard with this Cubital Tunnel. But when I look around I see people in lot worst shape that me. God had Blessed me so much more than I ever deserve to be blessed.
I did walk and it was so hot 90 degrees, so I think I am going to walk later in the evening. I am so sore from falling yesterday. I was cleaning flower beds and kept seeing all the worms, oops wrong SNAKES, small but still snakes. Hips are black and blue but Thank you God not broken.
I have looked every where for someone to cut grass. I have got find someone I can afford.

A Horrible Day

Well things came to a head today at home-When Scott moved in with me I was sick and He was having it rough.
Today, I have made the decision he has got to find another place to live. He is mad and thinks I am being a witch. His OCD has driven me over the edge, because I am not helpless-I need to have self worth if even I am disabled.
I have smoked 5 today more than any other day, and this disgust me.

At Least

Well, yes I bought the smokes, but I have only smoked 3 in 2 days. I have left them in the car and I physically have to walk to the car to retrieve 1 only. This is not good but better than the 2-2 1/2 packs a day I was smoking.
I do know now I can quit, which is different from before. According to all I have read it sometimes takes several times to quit. I did quit mostly for financial reasons now that I think about my reasoning.
I have lost and given up so much that I really enjoyed in my life. I know smoking is bad for you, plus it stinks ( I now know how bad). I hate that I disappointed some people that love me, but I did not quit for them, and now its is life when they make crude remarks, about my lighting up again, it makes me more determined to do what I want to do.
I have to much time on my hands. My nephew does all the cooking and cleaning, in fact I am not allowed to do either ( his is so good to me but his OCD is a problem) My doctor says I really am not able to work, I have done volunteer work but my limitations has caused some problems.
I could go back to visit some of the elderly friends in the skilled nursing home where I used to work, but it is very awkward.
I do not know, I read a lot , my Bible, fiction, non fiction and the news on every search engine I know. I am really getting more into walking. I am just confused about what I want and where I am headed.
I did go purchase flowers for my Billy's grave, so next week I will drive to Lumberton and place them on his grave. Maybe after I talk with him ( yes I still talk to him and God, because I believe they are both listening), I will have a better direction,

Not Strong

Well, I bought a pack of smokes last night-no excuse-30 days into it and I messed up. What made my stress level so high that I thought this was the only way out or is it the fact the habit just raised its ugly head to show it still had a hold on me.
I do not know I am ashamed of myself, I made it 30 days, and failed. I bought 1 pack, and I am leaving in the car trying to limit my self to 4 a day.
I went walking yesterday with a friend, did not even think about smoking, was sitting here watching tv reading the news on the computer and it hit me. I got up went to the store to purchase the cigarettes.
I wish a former smoker would advise me of what I can do!

A Good Monday

This is a beautiful day even if it is threatening rain. God is Good, so good, I an basically down to my last penny and today is the last day to pay the water bill. An unexpected check arrives in the mail !!! Hey only a dummy could not believe in God. Its not a lot but it is "Just Enouugh" to get me by until my unemployment check arrives.
I was so stressed this AM really wanted to smoke, but for once could not and would not have purchased smokes. Yes, this is a get on your knees and give thanks to God.
I walked off my need for a smoke yesterday. So, I am going to do the same today after I pay the water bill and purchase enough groceries to get by, plus pay my life insurance with this check that is "Just Enough" which is all I ask from My Lord.

30 day

Well this is my 30 day milestone, and another Sunday. I need to be getting ready for church, but I felt a need to walk around in my yard and look at God's beautiful flowers. I need to get someone to work in my yard, I do not even own a lawn mower. I have started the sub-pump to remove some of the stinking water from the pool.
The pool has not been opened in several years due to finances, and the cover has fallen in the pool. I plan on removing a lot of the water-fill thed pool with clorox and recovering. I know it is going to breed mosquitos, Last year I kept bleach and shock-it clorine in the pool to keep the frogs and mosquitos down.
I walked yesterday, it is a stress reliever and does help control the urge to smoke. I also offered my home to a neighbor for a live time right, of course I would still need to continue upkeep and pay rent and taxes. I know I cannot re-apply for disability and live on my income and pay for my house. Maybe I should apply for an apartment for elderly people based on income? I do not know The Lord and I need to discuss this subject.
I know Billy would have a fit at the idea of me giving up my house-but you do what you have to do in these times. A house is just a house, home is what you make it.

Stress

The more I stress about everything else the more I feel I need a cigarette. It is a vicious circle that continues, I have decided I do not know how to break this circle. I know when I smoked I stressed just as bad as I stress now, but the brain does not want believe facts.
What a fantastic body part The Lord created! I know when my mother died ( some of you may choose to believe or not believe) the pain that it looked like my mother experiencing was a nightmare that kept reappearing to me long after my mother died. One night I went to bed and my mother appeared to me, and she told me that her spirit had already left that worn out old body. That God had created such a marvelous thing that the physical body continues to fight to survive. She told me that she had already joined The Lord and my dad in heaven and she was so sorry that we continued to watch that old body fight death!
I still believe the only way I will defeat my demon of smoking is by praying. I continue to pray and I know The Lord is listening.

After D-Day

Well I gained 12 lbs in 3 months-but Dr. said it was due to adding the Lantus not from quitting smoking. That I simply needed to continue walking not to use this as an excuse to begin smoking.
My Dr. got upset saying she did not understand that I had started looking for employment and stopped the social security disability process, She stated there was no way I could work due to various conditions, so now I have major decisions to make!
If I file for disability I cannot draw my unemployment so this means even worst financial problems. I really need to get on my knees and pray for guidance.

D-Day

Well we find out how much weight gain, today is the drs. appointment. I wish I could cancel but Scott knows all my appointments and I have no reason not to go, other than the fact I cannot afford this luxury of seeing my doctor.
I am depressed, and its funny I do no think even a smoke would help. This is one of those days where I feel that I am the only one without money, without my husband, feeling like I have been deserted by all and there is no one to help me.
This will pass, as all passes, and there will be better days and I will laugh again just not today. I could really write a chapter this afternoon about my feelings and all I feel that have wronged me and made my life tough, but who is that helping , especially when I have promised God that I am over the pass, and only looking at today, and trusting him for tomorrow.

Renewal of Goals

Well, I broke and smoked a cigarette yesterday with a friend. However, somehow it just reminded me of really how bad it tasted and smelled. I am sorry I put nicotine back in my body, but just because you screw up does not mean you cannot continue with the commitment. It just means I am human, an humans make mistakes and have to start over.
So, if anyone is disappointed I apologize to you, however I started this for me and not for anyone else. It just shows me I am not perfect and never will be I made it an actual 21 days I believe so now at least I just have to detox 1 cigarette instead of over 40 years of nicotine. I know this is not going to ever be easy, it is a sickness just as alcohol, illegal drugs, or prescriptions drugs.
I am going to continue to achieve being a non smoker.

I had my interview, hope I am wrong but think they are looking for younger blood. My finances are getting worst but I know God is going to pull me through this journey.

Hopeless

Well, the song title should have been Rainy days and Tuesdays get me down. I feel the weight of the world around my shoulders today. Would love to smoke, however I am really broke not able to pay what I need to pay this week so cigarettes are out, because know I have proved I can pass on the nicotine!
I hate being broke and not being able to pay my responsibilities. I believe debt is a sin, seriously the Bible says it is wrong. I pray for forgiveness of my sins including being in debt and not being able to pay a person I promised! This definitely makes indebtedness, stealing when you forfeit on your debt. I do believe that God is going to bring a way to pay off my debt and I praise and thank him for this blessing I know is on its way. Money is so tight everywhere people you owe need your payment as much as you need it.
Billy kept his name clear, I am glad he is not here to see the mess I made. But we never know what life holds for each of us individually. I have a job interview today at 3PM, I am praying that I am physically able to perform. I am so bored at home, I am not the type that can always find something to do!

Karen Carpenter

Rainy days and Mondays get me down lyrics as sung by Karen Carpenter, describes today. It looks like the bottom is going to fall out of the skies, and to make it worst I am following soap operas. I need to be doing something constructive but I am down and feeling a bit sad.

Would a cigarette make me feel happier ? I doubt it, I would smoke and then get mad at myself for being a weak individual. A job would make me happy, even tho I have doubts about my abilities. I was so sick for 9 months in 2008 I do not think my body will ever recover back to that point.

Job interview tomorrow, and I am a little nervous. I need some encouragement, but since my friends I invited to join me on my blog have not showed I am all along on this one. I guess due to my mood I am feeling unloved ( any reason to smoke, my brain is sneaky), but luckily I am low on funds and refuse to pay the price of a pack of cigarettes.

Easter Sunday

Rainy days and Sundays get me down. Today was a pretty good day to be Sunday and a Holiday, you know you always miss loved ones a little more on special days. My Billy always gave gifts at Easter, never knew why I just got to where I expected it after a couple years
I attended church and then drove to Southern Pines to Mid Pines to dine with friends and Scott. Mrs Bash is 93 years old and delightful, I must post a picture of her.
Of course after a feast of clams cooked in white wine,clusters of crab legs and knuckles, smoked salmon, braised scallops and a large salad bar of other delicacies ( a desert bar to kill for ) a smoke would have been good.
HOWEVER, I avoided the temptation. I turned my radio on loud and ran the windows down and sang very loudly with the radio. After smoking 40 something years singing is not my forte, but who cares?

Pre Easter

Well, I am ashamed to admit this but I did not crawl out of the bed until 11:00am. My husband would say I was burning the daylight, but I could not go to sleep, walking gives you more energy. This is when I need a job to use up all this energy, but when you cannot find a job and so many physical problems that prevent some of the other things you once were able to perform.
I have mixed feelings, I do not know if I am disabled or not! I know if Kathy had not fired me I would still be working, regardless of the physical pain, so I do not know.
I only know, I need to shower and take some deep breaths because I just reached for a smoke that of course was not there. Habits just slip up on you it is not something you think about, or even want to do. It happens subconsciously and your body just reacts.
5 hours later
Do Not go to grocery store on Saturday before Easter and trying to be a non smoker at the same time!!!! I wonder where, some peoples sign was today. you know the one that reads "I AM STUPID"
It took every ounce of courage I had to muster up the will power to not throw the groceries back and buy cigarettes instead !!! I mean the cost would have been the same and my brain is lying to me telling me how much better Iwould feel if I would just take 1 drag. I know this is a lie but I trained my brain to think this for years.
Thank heavens I am home with the groceries and safe from the people that forgot to wear their sign.

04/10/2009

Good day, walked and visited a neighbor who immediately noticed I was not smoking. Made me feel good, that someone I do not see a lot would notice. I have a drs. appt next week, which I know I have mentioned in earlier post, I hope my weight gain does not over shadow my quitting smoking.
Walking and breathing deep breaths really does help, plus today I added a walkman cd player with one of my books on tape. However, I do not know if this is very smart wearing headphones when I only hear out of 1 ear anyway.
We are expecting storms tonight, but the rest of the week-end is to be beautiful, I need to walk tomorrow due to the holiday meal on Sunday. Scott has made 2 cakes, a banana nut chocolate cake and a fresh coconut cake. I might need to walk all Sunday afternoon, also, we are going to a big buffet with a fresh seafood bar. I have to meet Scott at Mid Pines after church. My taste buds are getting better since becoming a non smoker!

Why Me?

Why me, O Lord? Why am I so blessed when others are in need of so much. If you feel sorry for yourself take a look around ! Families where both parents are unemployed, and unable to fnd employment or to draw unemployment funds. They say that food stamps amount to $6.00 per day per family member, and that is nothing. This is what I think about while I am craving smoking-I have a pantry full of food, maybe not what I crave, but I purchased it so I wanted it at one time. It did not have to be tossed off the back of a truck and I did not have to wait in line to receive a share. So I have choices, and it is my choice not to smoke ! I have to pray several times a day and thank God for what I do have, the to reconize the fact that I am craving a filthy weed that grows in the soil that has no other use than to create a habit that is hard to break.
But this is one promise I am going to keep to myself and for myself, I AM A NON SMOKER !

Wed 04/08/2009

Today is a much better day as far as the need to smoke, instead I woke up with my neck killing me. Arthritis maybe, change in the weather like we have, had makes Mr Arthritis hurt. I have always loved chocolate but now I want it with my coffee, and this is not good for someone with a weight problem already.
I have not walked or excercised since Sunday, and I did just eat a dove bar of milk chocolate, so I really think I need to walk this afternoon. I have a drs. appt 04/16/09 and I know I have gained weight-anyone got a sure fire quick weight loss?
One thing about being out of a job is I can walk any time I want to, its one of the only free things these days you can take advantage of. I miss my working so much, I treasured my job at BH maybe too much and it did not take but one enemy who I thought was a good friend to take it away ! But I will not dwell on that because I have turned it all over to the Lord and you reap what you sow.
For today I will concentrate on all my blessings and how blessed I am. I will pray for my enemies and forgive and ask forgiveness for my sins. I am so glad I gave up smoking for Lent, and so thankful God has given me this extra strength.

I could eat a cigarette this AM

I wonder why, most mornings I have not thought about smoking, and today oh wowwwwwwwww? Its not nicotine addiction but brain habit, I have had my morning coffee and a smoke for 45 years-and now it is just the coffee. This is what is so hard about becoming a non-smoker, it is brain habit and nothing more. But I am determined that I am now a non smoker, even tho I cannot tell I am saving any money..
The economy is so bad and everything in the grocery store is more expensive. I still am unable to find a job, but I think I might have to agree with my doctor, that I should re-apply for disablity. I really had rather work, and I think I can do something, The only thing I know for sure is that I need an income. Another brain habit I have is eating, and staying warm or cool according to the season.
Billy and I always bought a lottery ticket when the lottery was above 100 million, just like it was not worth buying a ticket for less. I always pick about winning a lottery, but I think you have to purchase a ticket to win. If you win lottery you always have to share with friends, because who wants to happy and traveling alone. May be I will buy a lottery ticket for Wed. nights lottery drawing.
Well I am going to put on some clothes and go walk to take the edge off of wanting to smoke.

Internalization

Does quitting smoking make you become brutally honest all of a sudden? When I reread my post from yesterday, I was amazed at what I have been able to admit. I have a good friend that is Catholic, and she talks of confession being good for the soul, well I have confessed to the world so I will see!
I am going this afteroon to watch my grandson play baseball, he pitches and plays first base, I do not know if I would want him to read this blog and the truth about his grandmother. What I would like for hime to know is I love him and I am so proud that his parents, even tho estranged, raised him in the church. He prays before each game, makes me feel warm all over.
My grandaughter would also be shocked at my revelation I believe. She is a college student but comes home to attend church. My son and I do not get along and he would, I think take great pleasure at my confession and of my pain. I mean after all it was his childhood.
Maybe I should invite my ex-daughter-inlaw to read this blog. Maybe it would help her to understand her ex-husband a little better. No, I am not saying it was totally his fault they did not make their marriage sucessful, because I know it takes two to make a marriage.

Reflections

Do more, give more, be more than expected and you will never be without. It's like having faith in tomorrow because you have seen today.

IWishYouEnough
Bob Perk
Well its another Sunday without Billy and I am so lonely all of a sudden. I went to church, and it was a very good message today, on what we leave our children and grandchildren in our wills. Mickey spoke directly to my heart and to the fact that mine and Billy's will to our son was far short from what it should have been. I am not talking material items but legacy's of having a relationship with God.

I looked at my ex daughter in law playing the piano during the worship service and my grandchildren in the audience. How different their lives might have been if Billy and I had concentrated more on Sunday mornings, instead of going out dancing on Saturday nights, or cooking at friends homes.

Driving back from church at noon, I passed by so many young families in their homes and yards making the same mistakes we made. We had to sleep in Sunday mornings due to staying out so late on Saturday night. No, William was in church thanks to my mother and grandparents, but not with the 2 people that God entrusted the responsibility for providing life's training skills, to a child on loan from God. I just would love to tell all these young families, these are mistakes you cannot correct year later. God will forgive, but I do not believe it will be forgotten , for I will have to see this in the face of my son and his estranged family every time I see them. Billy and I committed a sin that has affected other lives that should not be punnished for our sin.

I know if anyone ever does read this blog they will know what a horrible person I have been in my life. I cannot afford to judge any one elses life due to the life I have led, and up until my spiritual journey, I would have told you I was a good person. I tried to keep the commandments, respect my parents and love my neighbors, but I am discovering there really is a narrow path to calling yourself a christian.

I have to believe as Billy and I started the last three years of his life, that the above subject is one that he and God discussed. Billy and I prayed often to geather, and I know he prayed about his relationship with our son in his private prayers. No wonder, I had a dependency on nicotine. due to dealing with quilt. I know God has forgiven me, because the scriptures say this is true, but I also believe it will not be forgotten.

I hope some of you followed the "Jennibug Blog", such a wonderful young christian person, now her parents raised their children with the basics all young children should have. Even tho their mother died young also from breast cancer. In fact it was that blog what spurned me to start one of my own. Jenni's young husband, Josh started her blog sitting in hospital waiting rooms. his parents also did a fantastic job in parenting. At the wake for Jenni, I met his parents and I already knew her surviving parent Jim- they are to be praised for their "will" left to their children, even tho all except Jenni's mother are still alive.

Rehashing my anger

If you read my post for Thursday 04/02/09 I was really fighting anger and I do not know who it was directed towards. Is this how the mass killers have felt this last 45 days?
It is not really anger, it is FEAR. I know not having a job and my unemployment running out, and Social Security saying I am still able to work, scares me to death. I have no one to pay my bills including a house payment, utility bills, buy my medication, or to pay my doctors. I have already defaulted on 3 large accounts, in order to live. But non of this makes me want to kill or physically hurt another person. It must be a difference in trust of God, I just feel like God has answered my needs for 61 years, why would he drop me now? Yes, I know there are a lot of God Fearing people that are homeless because they lost their jobs and could not make their mortgage, so Why do I feel I am different?
I DO NOT KNOW, but I pray several times a day for all of us unemployed scared people, we are everywhere. I know some feel as hopeless as I felt Thursday, not knowing how I am going to live but all that worry and stress did not change my life it only caused more wear and tear on this body.
God is the only one that I can depend on, He is the only one that can bring me a miracle, an unexpected financial blessing. So if you read my post, please pray for me and all like me. I still am not smoking and I know this is a direct blessing from God giving me strength and self confidence I have never had before.
PS. I am writing this post on Sunday before church, I really had to pray Saturday night on how being scared can cause such violence.

Whew

The Lord answered my plead, today is much better. I even went walking and did some real deep breathing. And what makes it even better I really have not thought about smoking. Yes the Lord is hearing my prayers.
I am even thing about going back walking before dark? What in the world is going on with me, this certainly not the Carol Mercer I know !
I went out to dinner with one of my good friends, and she never even noticed I was not smoking. I finally had to tell her, I had quit It sorta hurt my feelings, but I will get over it.
It is wonderful to be able to breathe a little easier, not that I would admit that to anyone. I was able to cover more ground today on my walk before having to find a place to sit down. The walking place here is in a cemetery, right near my home.
Yes, I am proud of myself and I know Billy is in heaven grinning.
Oh Yes ! Wonderful news I have a job interview 04/14/09, everyone say a little prayer for me.

Another withdrawal syndrome

I am angry today, at the world, at myself, at anyone reading this, and at anyone who has perfect control over their life.
I want to smoke, I want to cook all my favorite foods ( my nephew does all the cooking), I would love a good stiff wiskey straight up ( now where did this come from ?), I just am unsatisfied about everything. I am tired of the richer getting richer, the small beatiful people who never have to diet, people who never seem to have problems.
I think I need to go back to bed and start over again ! Is this a withdrawal feeling, if it is I do not like feeling like this.
I think usually I am even keyed-I accept the fact that life is not fair I know God is going to provide, but to day I doubt everything.

Over done

Well, as i suspected I over did myself yesterday exercising. There is not a muscle in my body thaat is not aching. I mean what did I expect a 61 yr old over weight who reaching for a cigarette, was the most she excersised until now.
Still not smoking but my brain is saying just one and I would feel better. I am going to play some oldie goldies and dance around a little to try get over the need for a smoke. Also maybe dancing around will work some of the soreness from my body.