If you read my post for Thursday 04/02/09 I was really fighting anger and I do not know who it was directed towards. Is this how the mass killers have felt this last 45 days?
It is not really anger, it is FEAR. I know not having a job and my unemployment running out, and Social Security saying I am still able to work, scares me to death. I have no one to pay my bills including a house payment, utility bills, buy my medication, or to pay my doctors. I have already defaulted on 3 large accounts, in order to live. But non of this makes me want to kill or physically hurt another person. It must be a difference in trust of God, I just feel like God has answered my needs for 61 years, why would he drop me now? Yes, I know there are a lot of God Fearing people that are homeless because they lost their jobs and could not make their mortgage, so Why do I feel I am different?
I DO NOT KNOW, but I pray several times a day for all of us unemployed scared people, we are everywhere. I know some feel as hopeless as I felt Thursday, not knowing how I am going to live but all that worry and stress did not change my life it only caused more wear and tear on this body.
God is the only one that I can depend on, He is the only one that can bring me a miracle, an unexpected financial blessing. So if you read my post, please pray for me and all like me. I still am not smoking and I know this is a direct blessing from God giving me strength and self confidence I have never had before.
PS. I am writing this post on Sunday before church, I really had to pray Saturday night on how being scared can cause such violence.
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